Feeling Better

Thanks everyone for your sweet comments, e-mails and calls. I am feeling much better today. The Dr. thinks (I also thought this too) I had an ovarian cyst that ruptured and that was the cause of all my grief. He says that certain people (I think he means me) are more likely to get them. I got these numerous times as a teenager and that is how I got diagnosed with endo. So - he said generally people don't get these frequently and I should hopefully not have any more any time soon. He does not think the pain is my endo as he says that would be too quick for endo to grow back.

I asked what he thought about IVF and he said if we want to we should still do it. I was kind of hoping for a yes or no type answer, cause this being in limbo over IVF is no fun. So that is the update and I really do appreciate the support!

A very rough night

Ever since my surgery back in November, I have had on/off miscellaneous pain which I am fairly sure is due to my reproductive system being "woke up." The sad reality is that I am fairly sure my endometriosis is rearing it's ugly head again. It comes on so quickly and is just debilitating. Last night around 10:30 I started feeling intense sharp pains. I decided to go to bed and try to ride it out. I writhed in pain for hours and around 1:30 a.m. decided that I was going to the ER.
Roon got up dressed, I got up but the thought of dragging Bean at 2:00 a.m. was so hard. I decided to try to tough it out for another hour - and I think about 3:00 a.m. I was finally able to sleep as the pain started to subside. I am guessing I had a cyst and it ruptured at some point. It has been a LONG time since I have had this pain and I forgot just how horrible endometriosis is to have. The pain is comparable to when my appendix ruptured...so it is very hard to put in words.
I am going to the Dr. tomorrow to see what is going on. I am worried that IVF may have stirred all this up. I also worry that my body is trying to tell me that IVF is a fleeting reality for us.
Please pray that my Dr. appointment goes well and we can get this back under control.

The Beat Goes On...

And we still have no idea what we are doing on the fertility front. Our appointment was ok. The Doctor is very encouraged by my stimulation and egg response. To give a recap I had nine follicles (they hold eggs) and 5 eggs were retrieved. Of the five eggs, 2 fertilized normally (and were transferred on day 3), 1 fertilized abnormally (hussy egg – two sperm got in – LOL), 1 did not fertilize and 1 egg was immature. 5 eggs is in the world of IVF is ok – but no where near where a typical woman my age is in terms of egg response. So with that said, if we were to do IVF again, 5 eggs may be as good as it gets for us. My ovaries, pelvis, tubes (which have been taken out) have been compromised from 20 plus years of endometriosis, my appendix rupturing, pelvic adhesion disease and fibroids.

I know that all it takes is one egg – but in terms of egg production, 5 eggs will in all likely hood put as at another Day 3 transfer with no possibility of FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer). Statistically speaking Day 5 has better pregnancy success numbers, but according to our Dr. Day 3 transfers can be just as successful.

Looking at the bright side – I am happy I got 5 eggs as there was a part of me that was kind of worried that there may be no eggs. I mean I did have a ruptured appendix for like 36 hours before it was taken out. It is possible that the toxins from my appendix could have destroyed all my eggs – so I am thankful there are some…and as I type this I am reminded that I am blessed to be alive after all of that ordeal.

So – with my history, my age, my response my Doctor was pleased overall – although he did want me to be pregnant right now. So – the dilemma is what to do now. Time is of the essence…as 35 is right around the corner and if we move forward we will need to try IVF later this summer. It is hard to make a decision still as both of us feel we have no clarity or direction about this. Of course the financial burden of this weights heavily on us both, but the emotional toll this has taken has been just as rough. We are going to take the next month to pray, talk and look at our options. Thanks for everyone’s support.

My hubby is a great writer!

Here is something Roon wrote back in August 2006. He found it in his journal and wanted to share it with me. I am sharing with you. This week is moving along and I find that I am coping a bit better. I still have no idea what we will or will not do in our hopes of having another child or children...but I know that I have faith.

The spray of the sea, the salt in the air
The sun on my face and the wind in my hair
All of these things I have been blessed with today
As I journey through life, making my way

As I revel & dance & sing praises to God
I try hard not to think that this season will end

For over the horizon, lies a storm of great power
Where ebony clouds and forked lightening abound
Where the winds whip the sea in a white tipped froth
Where many a ship has lost and heart and been lost
I try not to worry as to where I will be
After I sail through the storm that God has for me

Will I be a soul who loses his way?
Who forsakes God's plans for safety and ease?
Only to look back with regrets and no peace?

Or will I be strong in my faith before God?
Trusting him to guide me, though the storm has been hard
Knowing that only through him comes Shalom

I declare that Lord Jesus is powerful and true!
Any any future I have Lord comes only through you!

Moving Along...sweet friends and family

So I tried to stay busy yesterday. I met my Aunt (the guru of all things related to shopping) at the outlet mall to try to take my mind off of things. I almost lost it at the Gymboree Outlet store seeing the most cute striped/candy land type romper. I held it together and moved on. We went to the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Store and my Aunt bought me an enormous cinnamon cheesecake-caramel apple. We also went to the kitchen store where they had at least 20 samples out. I almost made myself sick with all the dips I tried. We did score some clearance $1. dips though ;) I felt compelled to buy the products below. I truly believe they will be an asset to our fleet of kitchen tools. Someday I will blog about my obsession with kitchen products and vacuums....

Are these not the coolest - palm scrubbing brush and palm veggies shredder? We also had a lovely lunch and it was just good to get out and breath!

I came home and a notice of flower delivery...Here are the beautiful flowers (purple - my favorite) my playgroup Mom's sent. Y'all are awesome ladies!

Then my good friend Debbie (who moved far way and I don't get to see nearly enough) came over and brought us dinner! She brought the bean a pink poodle webkinz....Bean has a particular obsession for pink poodles - so Deb did good with this choice. She also brought me a book and some body wash. And then her co-workers and her all signed a lovely card and gave me this dried flower arrangement below. How sweet to know that people I don't know took time out to pray for me and show me kindness.

Some of my good friends are having me over to cry and eat pizza. Thanks for all the support. I still feel raw right now - but am trying to process. I have a lot to be thankful for and am trying to see the light in the mist of this dark news.

Trying to Process

First let me say "Thank You" for all the sweet e-mails, blog comments and calls we received yesterday. They are so appreciated and we certainly need them right now.

We are very much in the grieving process right now and expect this will take a long time to get over. To cope yesterday, I watched the Poseidon Adventure (the remake), drank the largest Dr. Pepper on the face of the earth and ate large quantities of Taco Bueno. Strange I know - I am just trying to deal though.

This has been hard on us all. Alex (our dog) threw up all over. I think the stress is getting to her as well. Bean dried my tears yesterday and told me she would take care of me. At dinner she told us she is going to get an airplane - fly to the clouds to meet God - get our babies back - and put them back in my tummy. I tried to explain that they had stopped growing and she is trying to process. She said but Mommy their picture is on the fridge and they are still growing - and I told her that they had stopped as it was not time for them to be here with us. (yes - we took the picture of the fridge - too hard to look at) This has got to be a lot for a four year old - but she has been blessed with an amazing grace - that I think she understands.

Today I am going to shop to take my mind off things. I need to stop listening to the Peter Gabriel Song "I grieve" and REM's "Everybody Hurts." I also need to say no to Poptarts...
I will keep posting as this is a way for me to deal with my emotions. I am still having a hard time talking about it - without turning into a blubbering mess.

When a dream dies.........

I am so sad/devastated to report that we are not pregnant.

I know that God knows the plans for us...but sometimes I wish they were not so hard. For once I hoped that something would go a bit easier.....I use that term loosely, because just to get here - to do IVF - was years of waiting, several surgeries, and thousands of dollars.

I am thankful for Roon, the most supportive husband ever and Bean who is without fail a light in my life. I am so blessed to be a Mommy and I had hoped to have more children to share the love with, but alas I don't know that we will.

Thanks for your support, prayers and encouragement.

Baby/Babies on the Brain

We find out tomorrow! I have blood drawn in the morning and then I have to wait for the lab results to come back...so it could be late in the day on Wednesday. Needless to say I am excited, anxious, ready and hopeful! I need to remember John 20:27, Stop Doubting and Believe."



Bean has been asking me " Is there babies in your tummy Mommy?" I tell her that I hope so. She offered to let me have her Cinderella baby to put in my tummy. She is just the sweetest. I showed her the embryo pics and she looked at them and said "Where is the head?" I told her they were very early in development and the head had not formed. She thought about it and then said "They are so adorable!" I think so too!



Please keep us in your prayers as these next hours seem to be the longest of the wait.

Praise God for Great News!

Today my progesterone levels came back at 37.1. The doctor likes for his patients to be above 20 - so that is great news. Some of these hormones give off some pregnancy symptoms like random bouts of nausea and fatigue. I can't wait to hear our news next week.

Just 7 more days till we found out that we are pregnant! I am staying upbeat and positive - because really I have no control over the situation. I know God knows the desires of my heart and I pray that we are pregnant!

Big Ole Honking Needle

Ok - Some of you want a visual of the how big my progesterone shot needle is - don't ya? I took a picture with my ruler (yes this ruler date's back to the early 80's) and here ya go. I have to numb my bottom with an ice pack first and then Roon takes aim at the muscle in the bottom. The nurse drew big circles on Wednesday at my egg retrieval and it's Sunday and the big target circles are still there. I hope at some point they wear off - cause they are just not that pretty! The embryo's are brewing and I am moving a little bit more. Roon has allowed me to walk about the house - but he is very protective and wants me to take it super easy. Yes, I basically moved my command post to the couch. I find that it is easier to boss everyone around from there more effectively (ok just kidding - kind of).

I will keep y'all posted and get back to regular blogging this week. My in-laws arrived today - so I have more people to help and keep me company. My family and friends Rock!!

Blogging from Bed

We had the transfer this morning! We transferred two beautiful eight-celled embryos! I even have pictures of them, but don't have the scanner in bed to post ;)

The transfer went smoothly and now i just wait (in bed for the next 24 hours) and then light (very light) moving for another 24 hours!

Thanks for all your prayers - we are very blessed to have so many people who care!

The Results of Egg Retreival

I had my eggs retrieved on Wednesday and they were able to get five. Even though I had nine follicles, sometimes the follicles do not hold eggs. This is a learning process for both Roon and I so we learn new things every day. I started crying when I heard just five after waking up. I admit that I had hoped I would have a lot more, but I have to remember that I have no control over this. Our nurse at the ARTS center was talking to me and really encouraging me telling me that all we need is one! She is a Christian and was speaking words of life into me - and that is just what I needed.
Today the embryologist called and of the five, 2 fertilized! So as it stands now we are doing a day three transfer on Saturday morning of two. As we learned in our adoption process - we have to have Faith and that God's hand is in this situation.
Roon told me last night not to be disappointed if only two fertilize....he said that he had been praying and that is the number he felt God was giving him. We hold strong and thank you for all your support and prayers. Friday I start the big honking needle shots of progesterone - yeah they are a bit scary.

It is time - it is time - Woo Hoo!

The Dr. told us yesterday we were on as originally scheduled for the egg retrieval on Wednesday! Please say some prayers that everything goes smoothly, the eggs fertilize and for quick recovery and health for us all!

I had to do what is called a trigger shot last night! This has to be done exactly 36 hours before retrieval. Needless to say - Roon and I were like crazy people last night trying to time this exactly and do everything just right.

My ovaries feel like balloons right now - but they are ready to go!

IVF Update!

I had my Dr.'s appt yesterday! My right side is progressing nicely. I had several follicles that are getting larger and a couple just right behind them. My left side is not moving as quickly as my right - so they changed my protocol a bit. I have stopped lupron and am taking a different shot in it's place. They upped the amount of Gonal F I take and so now I am on three shots a day instead of four. They want to give my left side every opportunity to perform and catch up to the right - so it looks like transfer may be delayed by one day to Thursday. My estrogen level's did double so that is great news! Please keep us in your prayers that things continue to move along, we all stay healthy and that we get pregnant.

On a side note - my Mom is here all week to help me, so that is wonderful!!

Getting closer!

I had my Dr.'s appt today and my follicles they are a growing! They saw several on the right side however the left side is tricky as the ovary is kind of hidden in the cavity that holds the kidney. She did see a couple on the left - but said not to worry as my Dr. will get to any hidden follicles back there ;) I feel them - so I feel like they are playing hide and seek back there!! My hormone levels checked out good and I will continue to stay on the same protocol till my next Dr.'s appt on Saturday. So let's here it for the follicles - keep on growing yall!

14 shots done as of this morning!

Vials, Powders and Needles - Oh My!
We started our stimulation med's on Saturday morning so as of now I am on 4 shots a day. Two in the morning and two in the evening. The mixing of one of the med's is a bit tricky as it comes in powder form, so you have to mix it and change needles. Roon has been AMAZING! He has taken on all duties of the shot giver. This has helped - because I tend to be overly obsessive about making sure everything is done exactly to the letter and he has taken some of that stress off of me. He makes sure everything is done right and keeps the instruction sheet's handy just in case he needs reference. The lupron shot is tiny - and it goes it my leg - so it really does not hurt. I only have one bruise from that. The other shots go in my stomach area on the outer sides of my belly button. Honestly - the mixing of one of these med's was more stressful than the shot itself. Sometimes I feel these med's sting a bit - but that is not that bad.
Thanks so much for your prayers! We appreciate everyone so much. I go to the Dr. Wednesday for more blood work and another sonogram - so I can see how everything is progressing and get my updated medication schedule!

Yippee! We have started IVF!

I got my enormous box of med’s last week – wow that was a bit intimating! I had my check-in with the fertility specialist yesterday to have my blood taken and a sonogram done. Everything looked good and my levels were where they needed to be.

We started shots at the Dr.’s office. They gave us instructions and Roon gave me my first shot of Lupron. It really did not hurt. Taking my blood – hurt far worse than the shot. The nurse could not get my vain so I had to drink water and wait. They tried after my sonogram with the other arm and were able to get the vain the second time.

We start stimulation med’s on Saturday morning – so I will be taking four shots a day starting Saturday. My IVF protocol is different than the standard IVF protocol. I am on what’s called a Flair protocol due to my history of endometriosis and to prevent hyper-stimulation.

Please say some prayers for us as most of you all know how long we have been waiting to do this. I know that the time is right now and as always it is God’s time not our own. I thank God we traveled the adoption road first and are blessed with an amazing daughter. Even though that journey had its ups and downs as well – it was so clear and so guided by God. The joy of being a Mommy – and having Bean already – makes the IVF all that more worth it. Being a Mom is a privilege and I am reminded of that daily. Bean has been begging for twins or a sibling. She asked me the other day if we could go the “Baby Center” and pick one out. I explained that you can’t just go buy a sister or brother….

Oh and few things of note that happened recently. I got a phone call last week from out of state from a guy looking for someone with my name – he said he was looking for the Stephanie with twins….hmmm not me yet! Then yesterday one of Roon’s co-workers came up to him and told him she had a dream that I was pregnant with twins. He told her that we just started IVF – so what timing! Since high school I have told people I was going to have fraternal twins (boy and girl). I wonder if that was a desire that God put in me long ago to prepare me for now. I hope so! But as always – God has a perfect plans for us. Happy Good Friday to all!

I have an oven...now I need a bun (or maybe two)

My fertility Doctor told me that today...he cracks me up! Great news after another saline sonogram (the catheter needle thing I am so over by the way) I am ready for IVF! My cervix and uterus are looking good. I am excited, but I admit I am alternating between pure joy and pure unbridled panic mode. I can't believe it is finally going to happen. I am trying to not freak myself out, but the IVF manual alone is enough to make my head spin 360 degrees.

I don't have my calendar and medicine schedule yet, but it looks like I will have embryo transfer around the 1st of April, and should know if (thinking when) I am pregnant by April 17. This will happen right around Easter...so that really hit me. It feels like this whole journey is coming full circle as my appendix ruptured Easter morning, 15 years ago. I feel that this is surely God's timing and what a perfect time for this all to happen. So please be praying for us...I will keep you posted as I get more details!

Hooray - Hip Hip Hooray!

This morning I got the IUD (Intrauterine Device) out! I am so excited to have that gone! Hopefully I will remain pain free and no more bleeding. Did I mention I was excited about this?

So - for those following our fertility adventures, this means we are one step closer to IVF. I have to go back for one more cervix check and if I have fully recovered from surgery, we are on for the March/April IVF cycle. Today I start a new kind of birth control pill and will remain on them till I start IFV meds.

Thanks for your prayers and support. Please continue to pray for our physical health, our emotions and finances. Our insurance does not pay for any IVF treatments so everything is out of pocket. We have already had quite a few expenses with the surgery and all the Dr.'s visits...but I know it will all be worth it.

On a serious note....

I have had lots of people ask me about how the fertility journey. So here is an update of sorts. Sorry if this is TMI (too much information).

I am in surgical recovery for another month. My uterus is resting and I have an IUD (intrauterine device) inside of me to strengthen my cervix/uterus and prevent scar tissue from forming. There are days my body HATES that IUD and my Dr. says that is fairly normal. I am taking estrogen and progesterone pills for a two month cycle. I have a strict regimen that I am going to follow until the end of January. In February I should get the IUD out and start prepping for the March/April IFV cycle.

Please pray for me as this as been EXTREMELY hard on my body. There are days where the cramping is (almost unbearable). Roon has been very helpful and has come home from work to help me when needed. The Dr. thinks I may be having some cysts rupture also. (bad bad pain) I am more tired and a (wee bit) more moody also then normal. Additionally I am also having some bleeding issues. Please keep me in your prayers. The nurse told me this is the worst part...and to just give it time. I asked if the shots and stuff on IVF are this bad and she said No - so that gives be a brighter outlook. Waking up my reproductive system is like waking up a bear that has been in hibernation for nearly 20 years!! WOWSA - it is rough.

I know God has a path for me...